Why kids hit – and what parents can do about it

It’s a scenario many parents are probably familiar with: one second your children are playing quietly together, and then all of a sudden, you hear crying and shouts of “Mom, they hit me!” When this happens the first time, parents are often at a loss. Why are my children hitting, and what the heck should I do about it? We have answers to your questions on the whys and best ways to discipline if your child hits. 

Q: Is there always a reason kids hit? 

A: Nothing just happens! Not all kids hit for the same reasons, but it is typically a learned behavior. Here are a few common reasons kids may hit: 

1. They don’t yet know how to communicate their feelings. When children are upset, but are still working on how to use their words to say what their feeling, this frustration can sometimes lead to hitting. 

2. It’s a means to get what they want. Your child may simply see hitting as a means to an end. For example, if your child’s sibling, friend or classmate has a toy they want and your child physically obtains the toy by hitting or grabbing, they have learned a lesson. They hit or behaved aggressively and got what they wanted! 

3. They’ve seen hitting modeled by others. If your child sees someone hit or display other aggressive behaviors as a response to frustration or anger, the child learns that’s how those situations or feelings are handled. 

Q: Is there usually an underlying reason for this behavior? 

A: At a young age, children don’t use logic or abstract thinking skills. If you ask them why they hit someone, they won’t be able to tell you. With younger children (toddlers up to age 5) the behavior is usually self-serving: hitting is a means to get what they want.  

There is usually a reaction to hitting after the fact. Parents will say “no,” or lecture but regardless, there is attention paid toward the child, and they can’t differentiate “good” and “bad” attention. They experience things as boring or interesting and parental attention is interesting especially if it is passionate. They prefer interesting! If parents are paying more notice to behaviors like hitting than kind behaviors, this can have the opposite of the intended effect. 

Q: So, how should I react if my child hits me or someone else? 

A: Any hitting should be responded to in the same way. We recommend starting with time out from parental attention. There are a few rules to make a time out effective: 

1. Use a script and keep it short. We recommend 1 word for every year of a child’s life. For example, if you have a 4-year-old, say “Time out. No hitting.” 

2. They should practice quiet hands, quiet feet, quiet mouth. Once they’ve done that for about 20 seconds, that is a sufficient time out.  

3. When a child is in timeout, parents should have no verbal, physical or eye-contact with the child. Parents should not coach their children in timeout – that is attention.  Timeout is over when the child is calm and quiet. 

4. It needs to be portable. Time out should be able to happen anywhere, so we recommend avoiding a bedroom or a specific location in the home – have a few identified locations in and around your home that are boring.   

Again, children don’t know the difference between “good” or “bad” attention, so make sure you praise their good behaviors. If you see them sharing, asking for what they want or waiting patiently – celebrate that!  

We also recommend making sure you’re being very clear with children. If you say things like “use your words,” tell them what words to use. For example, if your child takes a toy from their sibling, tell them “Next time, ask your brother if you can have a turn.” Provide a script your child can follow and model the behavior for them.  

You can use things like a sticker chart for every time you see a behavior you want to encourage. We certainly don’t want to ignore hitting or bad behaviors, but the more attention we pay to positive behaviors, the more we tend to see them! 

One important note: we never recommend corporal punishment (hitting, spanking, smacking, etc.). Again, children imitate behaviors that have been modeled for them. If you spank them as a response to their hitting, you likely won’t get far. 

Q: How should I work with my child’s day care provider, teachers, etc.? 

A: We typically recommend partnering with the day care provider and if timeout or limit-setting is effective in that setting, adopt the same procedures at home. If your child’s school has a certain process for time outs, try to follow that at home as well – especially if it does not involve verbal reasoning and it is brief. Children learn best with immediate consequences that are consistently provided.  You can also work with your child’s school or day care to create a reward system. If they are being celebrated for the same things at home as they are outside of the home, they’ll learn their good behaviors matter anywhere. 

Q: Is there a point where I should seek professional help? 

A: If hitting is happening in multiple situations, or parents feel like they aren’t making progress, it may be time to reach out to a professional. Once a parent or caregiver feels like they’ve tried to model behaviors, teach the right words and they aren’t making a difference, it’s okay to ask for help! Your child’s doctor can help you with tips or provide a referral to a provider that can guide you on next steps. 

Most parents will experience their children hitting at some point during their parenting journey. With these tips, we hope you have some insight on why it happens, and guidance on what you can do to help your child with positive behaviors.