Dealing with parenting peer pressure? Our providers have been there, too.

Parenting is hard, and is even harder when friends, family or even your children have opinions on your parenting choices. If you’ve ever felt this way you're not alone – experts in the pediatric health field experience this, too. Keep reading to learn how this panel of parents has had to uphold their boundaries and provide advice for you to do the same. 

Prefer to listen? Check out our podcast on this topic here, or wherever you listen to podcasts.  

Q: Can you give examples of times you’ve had to maintain parenting boundaries in the face of external pressures (family, other parents, etc.)? 

Dr. Chettiar: With my children, currently, the biggest battle is bedtime. From what they tell me, their bedtimes are earlier than other kids at school…and any other child in humanity. In a way, it’s fun because I get to hear their perspectives and reasoning behind why they should have later bedtimes. When we have these conversations, I try to explain to them the rationale behind their bedtimes, because if we don’t help children understand and simply tell them what to do, it doesn’t always work out long term. It’s helpful to let them be a part of the conversation. 

Q: How do parental instincts and your expertise as a developmental and behavioral health professional play into situations of societal or peer pressure? 

Dr. Gross Toalson: While I appreciate when my instincts and knowledge as a psychologist coincide…that’s not always the case. It really comes down to what do I know from my career, and how do I balance that with what I feel is right for my particular child. Like Dr. Chettiar said, it helps to give them some ownership in the decisions. I’ve tried to guide my children on how to consume knowledge and research in a way they can understand, so I can balance what I know and what they can understand. 

Q: What role does setting consistent rules play in child development, and how can it reinforce parental decisions? 

Dr. Chettiar: When you have consistency, you also have security. It’s important that a child understands they are safe, and consistent rules can really reinforce that. It’s also important for kids to understand that the rules adults set in place are because they love them and want the best for them. But our job is not to make sure they have the same rules as their friends – it’s that they have the best rules in place for them and their unique qualities.  

Q: How can parents strike a balance between upholding rules and being adaptable to changing circumstances? 

Dr. Dreyer Gillette: It’s important that kids understand there are rules in place and the reasons why, but there may be times when we have to modify those rules. I have teens and tweens, and there is so much change going on during those periods of time. Plus, things happen in society and the world that we must be adaptable to. I find having a parent support group is helpful. Having people you can get support from and fact check your information helps you feel confident in the decisions you make – or in the decision to adapt them.  

Q: How can parents communicate the importance of their established rules to children in an age-appropriate manner? 

Dr. Dreyer Gillette: A good rule of thumb is to keep your sentences to as many words as their age – so, with a 5 year old, try to use a sentence that’s about 5 words long. When emotions are high we can over-talk, so getting the rationale across is important. Try saying things like “this is for your safety.” Leading by example is another good way to communicate your rules. If you have a rule that your children have to try new foods, make sure they see you trying new foods, too. 

Q: What advice do you have for parents on handling criticism from relatives, friends or acquaintances regarding their parenting choices? 

Dr. Gross Toalson: It can be a slippery slope, and it’s easy to get defensive. A common time we see this is with grandparents, because they may see us doing things differently with our own children than they did with us and they may think “Hmm, maybe I didn’t do a very good job with my children.” But we all do the best with the information we have at the time, and what we each know is different. I try to look at these situations with an open mind and listen, and then communicate why our family has the rules it has. Respect begets respect, and that’s a great thing to model for our kids, too. 

Q: Any other words of advice for parents? 

Dr. Chettiar: Parents – take good care of yourselves. Parenting is hard, and it is difficult when you’re getting advice from all directions (even when it’s coming from a good place). But being a good role model is critical, and that’s easier to do when you’re taking care of yourself first. 

Dr. Dreyer Gillette: We’re going to make mistakes as parents – it’s part of the game. But finding a support system you can bounce ideas off or even just talk to for solidarity helps. When you feel like the worst parent in the world, maybe someone right next to you feels like the second worst. We’re all in this together.