5 teen relationship red flags

I spend a lot of time talking to patients and parents about healthy relationships. It’s common for teens to have some less-than-great experiences as they take more ownership over their social lives. With support from schools, health care professionals and other trusted adults, parents can help adolescents prioritize positive connections and avoid harmful dynamics. 

When I talk to patients about relationships, we cover the full spectrum: romantic, platonic and everything in between. Friends have a huge influence on teens’ lives, and parents should pay attention to buddies and budding romances.  

I encourage parents to begin by talking about healthy relationships in general. You can start with sharing what you look for in relationships and asking your teen what they want in a friend or romantic partner. Broader questions are less likely to make teens feel defensive, and they invite teens to start thinking critically about the quality of their relationships. 

These don’t have to be big sit-down conversations; the good stuff with teens often happens in quick, mundane moments. Watch for teachable moments that can open the door to a good conversation. You never know when something on TV, in a movie, an overheard song lyric or something happening in a friend’s life or in your community could spark a meaningful discussion.  

With a solid foundation in the basics, you can open the door to conversations about specific relationships, using questions like: 

• What values do you share? 
• How do you feel when you’re around them?  
• How do they support you? 
• What happens when you disagree? 
• What do you like or admire about them?  
• Is there anything you would change about them? 

These authentic conversations will build trust and a shared vocabulary with your teen. If concerns about a particular relationship come up, you’ll be ready to talk about them. 

Red flags to watch out for 

Here are some red flags that call for extra care, more discussion and appropriate interventions:  

• Unexplained injuries: Don’t hesitate to ask your child about bruises, marks or other injuries. Play close attention if they are vague or evasive about the causes. 
• Controlling behaviors: The friend or romantic partner tries to control your teen’s time and/or the narrative around the relationship itself. They may monopolize your child’s attention, reverse blame when confronted or minimize your teen’s feelings and experiences. 
• Manipulation, coercion or pressure: Adolescents are in different stages of exploration when it comes to relationships and experiences. This includes how much physical intimacy they are ready for. But relationship pressure can extend to any activity or behavior, not just sex. If your teen is being pressured to do things they haven’t fully consented to, that's a red flag.  
• Losing interest in anything outside of the relationship: If your teen is overly focused on a romantic partner or friend, it can be a red flag they don’t feel free or encouraged to explore other friendships, activities or academic interests.  
• Increasing isolation: The relationship is conducted mostly in private. If your teen isn’t inviting the friend or romantic partner to spend time with your family, other trusted adults and/or a wider circle of friends — and vice versa — this can also be a red flag.  Sometimes emotional abuse isn’t saying “You’re stupid and ugly and no one will ever love you.” Sometimes it’s more subtle isolation: “I’m your best friend. I’m the only person who cares about you. I want what’s best for you, and no one else does.”  

What to do if you see red flags 

It can be hard for teens to tell us about the difficult parts of their relationships. When red flags come up, it's important to remain open, honest and thoughtful in your responses. Be sensitive yet clear and firm: You love them, and they deserve to be treated with respect in all of their relationships. Remember to tell them you are proud of them for talking to you about their concerns and remind them of all the positive, loving connections in their lives. 

If you’re seeing any of the above warning signs, talk to your teen about actions they can take to move the relationship to a healthier place, set boundaries or end the relationship altogether. If your teen is experiencing physical abuse, it may be appropriate to involve law enforcement and the legal system to help keep your child safe. If the relationship is harming your teen’s metal health, don’t hesitate to see your primary care provider for guidance and a referral to a mental health professional.  

Don't be afraid of making mistakes as you navigate tough times. Every parent does! If you mess up, apologize and model working toward making better choices. The most important thing you can do is show your teen, in both words and actions, that you are a safe person they can always come to as they learn to build healthy relationships.  

Looking for more healthy relationship resources?  

• The healthy relationship wheel illustrates what goes into a positive connection: respect, accountability, trust, cooperation, support, honesty and safety. 
• The healthy relationship spectrum compares the differences between healthy, unhealthy and abusive relationship behaviors.  
• The consent mnemonic FRIES — freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic and specific — can help your teen learn how to talk about what they are and aren’t comfortable with in the context of their relationships.  
• The site loveisrespect.org was created with the Department of Health and Human Services and has excellent information and resources on all types of relationships, including what to do if you find yourself in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. 
• The Hanging out or Hooking Up downloadable safety card by Futures without Violence is an excellent free resource for teens and available in multiple languages. 
• The Office of Population Affairs has a good resource page with helpful links: Healthy Relationships in Adolescence.  

Related articles: 

• Talking to teens about healthy relationships 
• How to talk to your kids about their first heartbreak 
• How to connect with your teen — authentically